WARNING ~ THIS POST IS DRIPPING WITH REALNESS AND OTHER NOT SO NICE THINGS. SORRY IN ADVANCE!

I was on my way to school this morning when I saw an accident right in front of where I needed to turn. As I was turning I saw it was a motorcycle that had been hit by an SUV and then another SUV hit the first SUV. Accidents happen. They happen daily. There was no ambulance. I'm hoping that means all drivers were OK. What really got to me was how I processed this accident. I was almost immediately in tears. My daddy drives a motorcycle. I guess in my mind I somehow saw my daddy as being in the accident. I'm not really sure why this accident affected me like it did but it really hit raw emotions in me. I called daddy to remind him to be careful when he's out and about and he promised he would be and I felt better.

There was another phone call previous to the accident where daddy was telling me about someone who said something to him about Baby Brother and this family was thinking of us and, again, it made me realize how raw my emotions are. A little background. This same person is part of a bigger family unit that has never, ever, said anything nice about me or to me. Nothing. As far as they are concerned me and my family are worse than dirt and they wouldn't pee on me if I was on fire. Sorry, but that's the way it is. I've dealt with these opinions of me for years from them. I have spent YEARS being the bigger person. Y-E-A-R-S! They have not only put me down but my family as well. Spread lies and rumors and judged me for things that I didn't do, wouldn't do and all I did in return was try so very hard to be the bigger person, to stifle all those feelings of disgust and hatred and just really hold my head high and be the bigger person. Not too long ago, within the last year, I had a personal setback. There were some things that happened to me. I take full responsibility for my involvement (or lack thereof) and blame no one but myself for the situation I was in. I didn't hide any thing from any one. I talked to the people that mattered and followed advice of not talking to other people from my spiritual leader. This was a time in my life I would love to forget about but guess what, it is now a part of my history and who I am and has served to make me an even better person than I was before. Trials do that to a person. If you've been reading my blog then you might recognize I said the last year and that in the same last year Jason and I became closer and stronger. So yes, it all corresponds. Back on topic, this "family" went out of their way to make sure EVERYONE knew about my situation. And of course most of the vile information they were telling was half truths at best but most of them were lies. They even posted things on the door to my home to make sure we "knew they knew" but didn't have the guts to "sign" their door hangings. Lest anyone find out their true selves. So when this person approached my father and tried to insinuate their sorrow for my situation I unleashed. I may have even yelled at my own father for even listening to their bullcrap. I am finding that the strength I used to have to stifle and shut down these feelings is no longer there. My strength is focused on my son and what he needs and my family and what they need from me. I can't muster any more strength to be the bigger person. Does this make me a bad person? I sure hope not. What you have to understand is this is the kind of family that will sit around the dinner table and laugh and say "well, that's karma. She's a horrible person. So now her baby has problems. See kids, do good like we do and everything will be ok. Do bad like she does and god will hit you." So to this family ~ cause I know you're reading this (even though I have taken measures to try and make sure you couldn't)! You pretty much said so to my dad! ~ The loving Father in Heaven that I know doesn't punish others for Adam's transgression. All a part of that atonement "thingy" you claim to know so much about. I don't live in a world where my loving father would ever "punish" my child because I may or may not have done something in my past. If that were the case there would be children all over this world with every affliction known to man. Your kids most especially INCLUDED! Luckily for you and the rest of us he doesn't do that. So please, take your fake sympathy and spread it to someone who just might believe it. Cause that ship has sailed for me. I don't believe a single thing that comes out of your mouth. That's the problem with lying. Do it enough and people don't believe you anymore.

So yeah, when my dad told me this person approached him I didn't have the strength to be the bigger person. I'm working on it though. I'm raw. My emotions are on high alert. Please Lord forgive me. I'm trying. I promise I am. I suppose that's why I was so emotional seeing the accident. I was already on edge after the original conversation with my dad so this sent me over the cliff. I'm sorry for the previous paragraph. Some things I just can't stifle anymore and getting my thoughts out there help get me through and eventually over them.

{Rant Over}

To everyone else who has been so wonderful and supportive and offered prayers on our behalf I want to truly thank you from the bottom of my expanding heart. For as low as my emotions have been allowing me to go they are also allowing me to be lifted higher than you could ever imagine. Every prayer, every good thought, every everything on our behalf is felt and is lifting us and I love you all for being the best support group this family could ever imagine having.