Dr. Lacey left the room and said we could stay as long as we needed. As soon as the door shut I started crying. Not that cute teary eyed girl cry. No way. This was full on sobbing, heaving, runny nose can hardly say anything because you are crying so hard you feel like you are going to throw up. Jason just held me so close and tight. I could see the pain in his eyes too but he remained strong for me. The difference between a man and woman in a situation like this is glaring. He knew he had to be strong for me and for our son whereas I couldn't see through the emotion yet. I sobbed "I can't lose him Jason. I can't lose this baby." And he said "Right. Then we fight". And that was that. We both knew then what we've known all along. We are going to give this little guy every opportunity to fight for his life. I know him better than anyone and he is a fighter. This little guy is jumping for the opportunity to get out there and show these doctors who's boss!

You know, everyone is looking for a miracle. I'm no different. But the definition of miracle is so broad. I had an aunt. She passed away from cancer. She chose, instead of chemo or radiation therapies, to have surgery to remove the cancer. On her deathbed we spoke about this decision and she said she thought God was going to heal her. She thought a miracle was going to save her from this cancer and that's why she didn't go the chemo/radiation route. (she had several surgeries to remove cancer and the last surgery the cancer had started attaching to her organs and they could not cut it out) I asked her if she ever considered the miracle was, rather than healing her, was the birth of people with the intelligence to come up with these surgeries and therapies to save people like her. She acknowledged she should have had a broader view of what a miracle could be and if she had to do it all over again she may have done it differently.

I tell this story because of course Jason and I would love a miracle. We would love to go to the cardiologist in two weeks and her to come out jumping and singing a broadway musical about miracles and the power of prayer but in reality we know the real miracles are the inventions of the machines to preform these procedures along with the minds of the people operating them. Don't get me wrong. We will not turn down the miracle of complete healing. I mean, everyone loves a broadway number, but we know this is what our son has at this moment and we can only move forward in our decisions based on the information we have at hand. 

I said I just wanted to know our son would be ok and Jason said we have all the numbers we need. "We have 100%. 100% loss of our son if we do nothing. So as long as we have 50%, even if it is slightly less than that, I'll take it." He couldn't be more right. He couldn't have spoken more to my thoughts if I had written them down first. 

We choose to fight. We choose to give our son the opportunity to fight. If we lose him in the process we will live the rest of our lives knowing we did every little thing we could to make sure he could be here. I pray to God I will be updating this blog 10 years from now saying "I can't believe Baby Brother is about to turn 10. If only we knew then what we know now we wouldn't have worried so much."