What a difference a hospital makes.

Thursday morning, December 12th, my sister and her kids came to pick up Georgia and me and we once again started the trek down to the Tampa area. I had an appointment with the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor who would be delivering Baby Brother. Kathy Arnold, the Perinatal Cardiology Nurse Coordinator, asked if I could be at the hospital a little early so she could give me the tour of the facility.

We were driving and our exit came up and we turned off the interstate to find ourselves staring at a beautiful hospital facility. At the top said "All Children's Hospital" and underneath that "Johns Hopkins Medicine". Yeah, did I forget to mention ACH is a Johns Hopkins Hospital?? We pulled into the Outpatient center and I went in to find Kathy. My sister took the kids to play at a nearby museum while I did my thing.

Kathy is a sweet woman. Probably a little younger than my parents. All smiles and ready to show me around. She showed me where I would be delivering. I couldn't tour the facility because they didn't have any open rooms but she showed me as much as she could. Then she took me to the Cardiovascular Intensive Care Unit. See, at ACH my son will not go to the NICU. Since he is a heart baby he will go straight to the CVICU. Wolfson's doesn't have a CVICU. Just a NICU and PICU. ACH has all the above. I met the nurse in charge of the CVICU and she was very nice and welcoming and showed me the kind of room Baby Brother would have. It has everything. It really is something.

We went to the milk depot. ACH has a department strictly devoted to breastmilk. They give me the bottles and the pump (I have my own so I can use mine but they will still give me the bottles and connections) and some barcode stickers and they take care of the rest. I pump, put the barcode on the bottle, take to them and they do the rest. They date it, rotate it appropriately, thaw it the right way. Dispense it when it's feeding time. The whole nine yards. A CVICU nurse orders the milk, the milk depot gets it prepared and lots of barcode scanning later (to make sure my son gets my milk and no one else's) my son is fed. Kathy also said as long as I'm breastfeeding the hospital will provide my meals. They take breastfeeding so seriously and want me to get the necessary nutrition that they will give me meals from the cafeteria for free as long as I'm pumping. Even if it's only an ounce a day.

Kathy then took me to the NICU just simply because that's where the transport bed is kept. She wanted me to see what Baby Brother will be transported in from the delivery room to the CVICU. Here's another glaring difference between Wolfson's and ACH. At Wolfson's the surgery rooms are positioned around the NICU so basically I would deliver and then they would take him through a door and they would be in the NICU. Once in the NICU they would try to stabilize him. Once he is stable Jason would be able to go and visit and take pictures and he would be able to take 1 person at a time in with him to see the baby. At ACH Baby Brother will be stabilized, if necessary, right in the room with me by the Stork team. That's what they call the transportation team. So they get to working on him right away. They have everything necessary on that bed to make sure he is ok. It looked like a mini hospital room on wheels. Once he is able to be transported Jason essentially becomes part of the Stork team and goes with them to the CVICU and will not be asked to leave until Baby Brother is discharged. Now, if something happens and they need to take Baby Brother out to have a cath or something along those lines then Jason will not be able to go into the cath lab. The CVICU allows 4 people at a time to go in. So Jason can take 3 people at a time in to see our little guy. Including his sister! Georgia can only stay in the room for 30 minutes at a time but she is allowed to go in and meet her baby brother. After all, she is the one that named him that.

After the hospital tour I went to the delivering doctor's office and everything went great there. The nurse sat me in a room for a consultation and after asking me every personal question in the world, sexual partners, illegal drug use, and more things my mind has purposely blocked, she surprised me by saying "Can I ask you a personal question?" Uhhhh, you've asked me about my sexual partners and whether I've done illegal street drugs so what on earth could be more personal??? But of course I said "sure" and she asked "Is it true the story I heard about the doctors in Jacksonville? Because if it is I am appalled. Really. I cannot imagine a doctor anywhere telling you there was little to no hope and so they're just going to let you hold your baby until he dies. It is APPALLING!" I couldn't help but get a little teary eyed and I whispered "yes, it's true". She then went on to tell me how very sorry she was I ever had to go through that and there is no "give up" with the doctors at ACH.

If I haven't said it before let me state for the record - I am so pleased to have found Dr. Huhta, his staff, All Children's Hospital and the doctors and staff I have referred to through Dr. Huhta's office. It has been a truly blessed experience. Even the surgeons wanted to try and work me into their schedule on Thursday but when I was finally done with my appointments Dr. Q was still in surgery. He told his staff to make sure I knew he would be visiting with me as soon as I was able to have a visitor. Very humbling that this Doctor would try so hard to take time out of his schedule to meet me.

Oh - I almost forgot. In speaking with the delivering doctor and nurse they let me know I am one of 6 HLHS mothers they are about to deliver. Actually she said they currently have 5 not including me so I make that 1 out of 6 ;) This is something they are used to and have seen on many occasions and it simply doesn't scare them. They only deliver at ACH. So that means in the next month or two ACH will have 6 new HLHS babies. And through my heart network I already know 2 or 3 babies currently in the CVICU with HLHS. This is as routine for them as anything else.

I am truly amazed at the true power of prayer, fasting, the priesthood and the love of a mother and father unwilling to accept defeat.

Friday (two days after my appointment with Dr. Huhta) found me at Fetal Clinic at Wolfson's. Fetal Clinic is where I was to go in and tour the NICU, PICU and meet the surgeons who will be performing the HLHS series of surgeries. I got to the hospital at 8 am and was scanned by an ultrasound tech. Dr. Lacey isn't in on Fridays so I had to wait until Monday for her to call me with the results of the scan. After the scan Dr. Ettedgui came in to speak to me. He is the doctor from the cath lab that will be performing the atrial septostomy. I took lots of notes and when we were done I realized I had three pages of negativity.

"The collective experience suggests the outcome is dismal"

"We don't want pain and discomfort for your baby if the procedures will prove to be fruitless"

"Babies will declare themselves non-survivors and that's when we administer comfort measures only"

"IF baby is stable for a few hours then the atrial septostomy is not unrealistic"

"Odds are stacked against you and your baby"

"There are all sorts of potential for bad outcomes"

"You have a very very high risk baby"

There was more. It was painful to sit through. Not because he was talking about the difficulties Baby Brother would have but because I knew from two days ago that there are people out there who want to be optimistic about our son's options and his chances for survival. To have to listen to someone write your son off is just emotionally painful. I asked him about the procedure itself and what to expect from that and he explained how they do the septostomy and again, followed it up with all the danger and dismal outcomes. Jason actually asked me if I only wrote down the negative things this guy was saying and I laughed and said "No, I wrote down EVERYTHING he said". It was just bad news to more bad news. After that Dr. Kreiger came in to speak with me.

Dr. Kreiger is from PedsCare. Don't know what that is? Join the club! I didn't know either. Then she explained. PedsCare oversees the palliative care option. She is basically the "do nothing" overseer. So she took me to her office and gave me all sorts of information on comfort care measures. Even a birthplan that was all typed out with boxes to check for what we would want to do if this or that happened. I sat there almost in shock that I was meeting with her. Jason and I have been very adamant in our desire to do something and that doing nothing was not an option for us. So I sat, smiled and waited for her to finish. Once she was done I thanked her for her time and left. I went back to the Cardiology office and they called the Chaplain. The hospital chaplain does all the hospital tours. I guess they want you to be comfortable with him in case you need him.

Chaplain Fred came in and took me on the tour. He showed me the NICU and the PICU and tried to answer questions. He is obviously very loved at the hospital as everyone we passed either smiled very warmly or they said hello or they filled him in on whatever was going on. He seemed to know everyone and everyone knew him and it was enjoyable watching him in his element. Of all the people I met that day he was the most positive and sincere. He introduced me to another mother whose baby is a cardiac patient. She said her baby was diagnosed after delivery and she was grateful she didn't have to spend her pregnancy worried about him and what was going to happen. I can totally see her point. BUT if I didn't know ahead of time Baby Brother would surely die. So I guess it's really just preference. She was nice and praised the doctors at Wolfson's but that's probably because she didn't have to deal with them ahead of time! Sorry, I'm sure they are fantastic doctors. They just aren't prepared for our baby and what he wants to throw at them. So we were done there and Chaplain Fred told me I was free to go. I was confused as I hadn't met the surgeons yet so he took me back to the cardiology office to see what was going on.

Back in the cardiology office the secretary said I was free to go and I asked her about meeting the surgeons. The whole point of fetal clinic for me was to meet these guys, ask them my questions and try to see where they stand with things. The secretary asked the head tech if she knew why my meeting with the surgeons was cancelled and she said "oh yes". She said Dr. Lacey and the surgeons felt it would be better if they met with me after baby had the atrial septostomy and was stabilized. They felt the type of procedure may change after that so it's best not to confuse me with telling me one thing and then having to come back and tell me something different later on. I seriously could not believe what I was hearing. Knowing I wouldn't get anything else from these two, since they aren't doctors, I just smiled and left. As soon as I was in the parking garage I called Jason and I was ticked!

I said "Even though they didn't use these words what they basically just said to me was 'we don't think your Baby Brother is going to live past the cath lab so we aren't going to waste our time meeting with you'." Jason agreed with me. We were both livid. I don't care if the procedure may change. At least give me 2 minutes of your time to meet you before I consent to you cutting my baby's chest open and doing surgery on his heart! Is that too much to ask??

Up until this point Jason and I had been talking about delivering in St. Petersburg and what that means for our family. It isn't a decision we can take lightly. Needless to say this experience was definitely going in the cons list for Wolfson's. Here it is 10 days later and I am still upset by it!

Then I started getting phone calls from 727 area code numbers. All Children's Hospital has already made me appointments with a delivering doctor and to tour the facility.

I had the worst night's sleep on Tuesday night. I tossed and turned all night long. I guess I was more anxious about this appointment than I was willing to let on.

Since Jason was unable to take the day off from work my Daddy came with me to my appointment in Tampa. Dr. Huhta goes between All Children's Hospital in St. Petersburg and St. Joseph's Women's Hospital in Tampa. This day he was in Tampa so at 8:30 in the morning we started our 3 plus hour drive.

It was fun having Daddy drive me down. We talked and had biscuits from Hardees. Drank lots of water but didn't need to pee surprisingly enough. We made great time. So great in fact we had 2 hours to waste before the appointment. So we called Mom and she set us off on a mission. She needed Flutterbyes for my nieces for Christmas. We found a Toys R Us and even though they had them I knew most places had them cheaper. By almost 10 bucks! So we left there and found a BJs. They had them. We bought them. Mission accomplished! We wondered around for a little bit and then decided to get going.

We drove to the hospital and almost didn't make the appointment. We got lost and no one could tell us where we needed to go. It was frustrating. They couldn't even find Dr. Huhta in the directory. I was getting very annoyed. I didn't just drive all this way for nothing! Finally I called the St. Petersburg office and they told us where to go. As soon as we got back to where we started (the same place the first person told us we were in the wrong place) my dad went straight up to the girl and got on to her about wasting our time. She was apologetic and got us signed in immediately. It was then I realized just how nervous my dad was too. He is usually so easy going and level headed.

Lori the ultrasound tech came and got us and we got down to business. I'm a talker so I was making small talk and then the door opened. It was the infamous Dr. Huhta.

When we would go see Dr. Lacey the tech would perform the sonogram and when done would upload the pictures to Dr. Lacey where she sat in an office and reviewed them and made measurements and notes and then would come in and talk to us.

So, here's Dr. Huhta in the room with us looking over the shoulder of the tech asking questions, looking at the scan as it's happening and you can see his mind working. All the things Dr. Lacey does in her office with the help of pencils and paper and calculators Dr. Huhta is doing in his head. Then he asks "And the atrial septum?" So Lori scans over it again and, under her breath, says "looks OK to me". My dad and I both gasped! I begged my dad to just sit tight and we would talk about it when the sonogram was done. I just knew they were going to look at it from another angle and we would hear "Ahhh, now I see" or something to that affect. And just as soon as it started the sonogram was done. Dr. Huhta (who had introduced himself as soon as he walked in) told us he would meet us in the conference room as soon as I was cleaned up and ready.

The very short walk to the conference room, which was just simply around the corner from the sonogram room, seemed like the longest walk of my life. What was he going to tell me? We sat down at the round table and he began to talk. The room started to spin. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"No need for atrial intervention" (translation - he doesn't see a need for an atrial septostomy)

"Mild atrial restriction"

"I like to see a mild restriction in Hypoplastic Left Heart babies."

And the one that had me in tears.....

"3 out of 4 chance of seeing your son playing in Kindergarten!"

So because of one simple phone call my son's chances at life have gone from 10% (or worse) to 75%. I still can't believe what I heard.

Dr. Huhta explained our son has a mildly restrictive atrial septum. In his mind and experience it is not severally restrictive. He said he actually prefers a mild restriction because in an HLHS baby the atrial septum being completely open would allow blood to over flow the lungs once born and that is worse for our little guy. A mild restriction prevents a blood overflow into the lungs. Our baby was showing him all positive things. As positive as it can be for an HLHS baby.

He went on to explain they perform the Sano Modification to the Norwood procedure which gives babies a 15% mortality rate instead of 20% with the regular Norwood. Their mortality rates on the second and third procedures (the Biodirectional Glen and the Fontan) are in the single digits. More specifically 1-2%.

There were so many other things said in that meeting that I will have to have another post just to further explain everything. Bottom line was ~ Our baby has a chance! Prayers, fasting, Priesthood power! It all works. Miracles can happen! Our baby might just survive this.

The first Sunday of every month is Fast and Testimony meeting at our church. We fast for two meals and give the money we would have used for those meals to the welfare program at our church. And our church service is dedicated to those who want to bear testimony to the truthfulness of the Gospel. This particular Sunday, first Sunday in December, the congregation was asked to fast and pray for Baby Brother. For those willing and able, make Baby Brother the focus of your fast and your prayers. Then my sister posted on Facebook about the fast so we had people all over the country fasting and praying for Baby Brother.

{You can read more about our faith and beliefs here www.mormon.org }

Sunday afternoon my friend Pam, her husband Rick and her father Carl Luke came over to talk about the baby and to give the baby a priesthood blessing.

I guess I should stop here and tell you about a phone call with my cousin's wife I had on Tuesday after getting the phone call from Dr. Lacey. Jennifer, who also has a Hypoplastic Left Heart son, reminded me of the power of prayer and to prayer for angels to be in the delivery room. She said I have a brother, my baby brother who passed away at the age of 10 weeks from SIDS, on the other side who is waiting for me to summon him so he can serve me. She said he is just waiting to help and if I asked would guide his nephew's spirit from one world to this one. That he is just desperate for the opportunity to serve me.

OK, So Brother Luke and Rick gave me a blessing. In this blessing Bro. Luke said a lot of things but something I picked up on immediately was him summoning angels to the delivery room and the surgical room. He asked for those angels to guide the hands of the cardiologists so our son has the best chance. He never said my son would be healed but he did say that through our faith miracles could happen. It was powerful prayer and left me feeling positive in a way I hadn't allowed myself to feel in months.

After they left Jason and I talked about it and the thing Jason picked up on was also the asking of angels to attend to us, the baby and the surgeons. And I have faith that all the things he spoke of in this blessing could and would happen. I have faith to move mountains. Especially where my little man is concerned. But, and I know there shouldn't be a but, we have received such horrible news for so long my faith in good news was wavering. But I had to remain hopeful and faithful!

The Wednesday before Thanksgiving started out a normal Wednesday. Wednesday morning routines were completed and the kids and I were home.

Wednesday afternoon I sat in front of the computer and started to google. I knew there was a children's hospital in St. Petersburg but that was all I knew. So I googled "childrens hospital st. petersburg" and the first thing that popped up was All Children's Hospital. At this point I can promise you I had no control over my fingers. They were being led in a way I had never thought possible. Next thing I know the number had been dialed and a woman answered. I asked if they had a pediatric cardiologist and she said "of course, I'll transfer you" and then Linda answered the phone. The first thing I said was "Linda I have no idea why I'm calling you but here is my situation" and I proceeded to tell her everything. I started from the original diagnosis to the options to the phone call and change in plans." Her response "you are calling me because you want help for your son" and I cried. I had been crying the whole time but was trying to keep it together. But here I was crying again. I barely squeaked out a "yes" and she told me she would transfer me to Pam in doctor something's office (I couldn't remember or understand through all my tears). I was on hold for a little bit when Linda came back and said Pam was in transient from one office to the other and asked me to leave a message on her voicemail. "Tell her your the mom I just spoke to her about and she will call you back when she gets into the office" she said. Then she transferred me. I left a very long voicemail and wasn't sure she would be able to understand me through the tears but I told her what I had told Linda. As it was the Wednesday before Thanksgiving I knew for sure I wouldn't hear from her until Monday. I laid on my couch and attempted a nap. About 45 minutes into my nap my mom called and I talked to her and in the middle of talking to her my other line beeped in with a 727 area code. "Mom I gotta go, this is the doctor's office"

"Hi, is this Cassie Clarkson?"
"Yes, this is Cassie"
"Hi Cassie, this is Pam in Dr. Huhta's office. I have Dr. Huhta on the line and am going to connect him in"
"OK, thanks"
"Hi, Cassie, this is Dr. Huhta, tell me what's going on with your son"

First of all I couldn't believe I was talking to the doctor. I'm not his patient and neither is my son but here he is taking the time out of his day to talk to me about all of this.

So I proceed to tell him the entire story. Of course leaving out the emotional side of it since he's a doctor and time is precious and I wanted to get to the medical point. So once I paused for a breath he asked "OK, so what is it you're looking for from me? Do you want me to look at their scans? Do you want a second opinion? Do you want me to call Dr. Lacey and ask her why the change in treatment course?" and I sat for a minute before telling him I wanted a second opinion. He asked what kind of second opinion. He can look at the scans and see if he sees something different or I can go to Tampa/St. Pete so he can look at me. I asked what he preferred and he said he prefers me going to Tampa so he can look at me with a fresh set of eyes. He won't know exactly what Dr. Lacey saw and so we will have a true second opinion. I agreed and said I would go to Tampa.

"Great! Pam actually transferred you to my cell so I want you to call her back and tell her I want to see you at my next available appointment. But before I let you go I want you take down these numbers. Got a pen?"
"yes"
"OK, 727 - (telephone number), that's my cell phone. You call me anytime! 727 - (another number), that's Pam's cell phone. If you can't get me you can call her. She knows how to reach me all the time. And you have the office number. I will see you soon"
"Thank you so much! I will call Pam right now!"

Seriously, what doctor gives you his cell phone number? Especially when you aren't even his patient???

I called Pam back and told her what he said and Wednesday, December 4th at 1 was the next available. A week away. I'll take it! She then asked me if someone referred me or how was it I came to call their office. I said I was embarrassed to admit it but I googled childrens hospital st pete and she laughed. Then said:

"That is the luckiest google search you will have ever done!"

Then she, in her own way, dared me to google the doctor's name. She said he is world renowned for his work with atrial septostomies and quite literally wrote the book on them.

After hanging up with her I accepted the challenge of googling him and found his resume online. All 49 pages of it! He has trained everywhere. He even trained in London at the children's hospital there which Jason was thoroughly impressed with. Turns out the hospital in England is the equivalent to St. Jude's or Johns Hopkins here.

There was a warning though. Dr. Huhta said to be prepared. He may find they are right on track, or that it isn't as bad as they say, or things are worse off and Wolfson's is being polite to save my feelings and emotions. Well, if this is Wolfson's way of saving my feelings or emotions I'm scared to ask what they would tell me if they didn't care about them. :/

I went to bed that night with hope. Hope that had been taken away from me at Wolfson's. I know this baby better than anyone and I know he is a fighter and I know the power of prayer. Yes, a smidgen of hope was back. Even if he told me things were as Dr. Lacey has said at least I would have the second opinion that I didn't have a week ago.

Tuesday before Thanksgiving Jason and I were still reeling from the news we received about the deteriorating situation Baby Brother was in. He was getting worse and there was nothing we could do about it.

On my way to the ROC I received a phone call from Dr. Lacey. She wanted to update me on the current plan of care. Turns out she had more meetings with her colleagues and even had a teleconference with the head surgeon and they all agreed on the following changes:

Instead of delivering in the cath lab we were now going to deliver in the normal surgical room. Baby Brother would then be taken to the NICU to allow him to stabilize. IF he stabilizes they will then take him to the cath lab for the atrial septostomy. If he does not stabilize they will bring him back to us for end of life care. They will no longer offer bypass as it is not an "ethical option" for our son at this point. (YES! She said ethical!)

I thanked her for the call and called Jason. We both felt like she and the other cardiologists were forcing us into the do nothing option.

I went to my appointment at the ROC and Baby Brother tested 10 out of 10 again on his biophysical sonogram and was giving them all the great information they needed. He was breathing and moving and heart rate looked great. He was a superstar!

On the way home from the appointment I called Dr. Lacey and explained our feelings on this matter. She understood but reassured me they will do everything in their power, short of bypass, to stabilize our boy and to make sure he is able to get in for his atrial septostomy. She also said removing the option of bypass is probably a really good thing as babies who go on bypass that quickly after birth do not come off of it alive. She did mention in the conversation that some of her colleagues thought we should do nothing and I informed her those colleagues were welcome to walk off the team taking care of my son. Only the people who believed in him and his survival were welcome to stay on the team. And let's face it, if this baby is as bad off as they say and they are able to save him then there is most likely publishing or some other form of recognition ahead of them. It would benefit them to believe in Baby Brother the way Jason and I do!

I hung up the phone from the second call and started to panic. I've held out hope for our little guy but now what little bit of hope I had was trying to be taken from me. It was painful in a way I cannot explain.

Later that night as Jason and Georgia had just fallen asleep I knelt down beside my bed and I prayed. I prayed harder than I have ever prayed in my life. I begged for my son's life. I begged for Heavenly Father to take my heart and lungs to give my son life. I begged and pleaded. I thanked my Father in Heaven for all of my current blessings and literally named them one by one. I thanked him for allowing this sweet spirit to grow inside me. I thanked him for allowing me to get to know this little guy in a way no one else does. I thanked him for all my children and my supportive husband. And I pleaded to him to guide me. Show me what you would have me do for my son. Please! Guide me in the way only you are able. Help me save my son!