Tuesday before Thanksgiving Jason and I were still reeling from the news we received about the deteriorating situation Baby Brother was in. He was getting worse and there was nothing we could do about it.

On my way to the ROC I received a phone call from Dr. Lacey. She wanted to update me on the current plan of care. Turns out she had more meetings with her colleagues and even had a teleconference with the head surgeon and they all agreed on the following changes:

Instead of delivering in the cath lab we were now going to deliver in the normal surgical room. Baby Brother would then be taken to the NICU to allow him to stabilize. IF he stabilizes they will then take him to the cath lab for the atrial septostomy. If he does not stabilize they will bring him back to us for end of life care. They will no longer offer bypass as it is not an "ethical option" for our son at this point. (YES! She said ethical!)

I thanked her for the call and called Jason. We both felt like she and the other cardiologists were forcing us into the do nothing option.

I went to my appointment at the ROC and Baby Brother tested 10 out of 10 again on his biophysical sonogram and was giving them all the great information they needed. He was breathing and moving and heart rate looked great. He was a superstar!

On the way home from the appointment I called Dr. Lacey and explained our feelings on this matter. She understood but reassured me they will do everything in their power, short of bypass, to stabilize our boy and to make sure he is able to get in for his atrial septostomy. She also said removing the option of bypass is probably a really good thing as babies who go on bypass that quickly after birth do not come off of it alive. She did mention in the conversation that some of her colleagues thought we should do nothing and I informed her those colleagues were welcome to walk off the team taking care of my son. Only the people who believed in him and his survival were welcome to stay on the team. And let's face it, if this baby is as bad off as they say and they are able to save him then there is most likely publishing or some other form of recognition ahead of them. It would benefit them to believe in Baby Brother the way Jason and I do!

I hung up the phone from the second call and started to panic. I've held out hope for our little guy but now what little bit of hope I had was trying to be taken from me. It was painful in a way I cannot explain.

Later that night as Jason and Georgia had just fallen asleep I knelt down beside my bed and I prayed. I prayed harder than I have ever prayed in my life. I begged for my son's life. I begged for Heavenly Father to take my heart and lungs to give my son life. I begged and pleaded. I thanked my Father in Heaven for all of my current blessings and literally named them one by one. I thanked him for allowing this sweet spirit to grow inside me. I thanked him for allowing me to get to know this little guy in a way no one else does. I thanked him for all my children and my supportive husband. And I pleaded to him to guide me. Show me what you would have me do for my son. Please! Guide me in the way only you are able. Help me save my son!